Every now and then you go to grad school, pick up the required reading text, and then glance suspiciously back and forth because the things being described in the book have happened in your own home. How did they know I did that? Or said that? Or responded in that manner? I’m guessing that the author, Patterson (2012), of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High gets that reaction to his work often. I've never really given much thought to the nuances of the words: conversation and dialogue. After all, doesn’t any verbal communication between two or more people count? A few pages in and you realize that answer is no. We have casual conversations all the time. We talk about the weather, what happened at choir practice, the latest movie we’ve seen, the amazing day we had in our classroom, etc. Easy conversations free of differing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes. When conversations are crucial, how we handle them, is vital to ensuring everyone is heard and action can be taken. Handle a crucial conversation poorly and relationships will suffer, projects will go by the wayside, and sabotage can take root.
Ever had a really gossipy day at work and then come home feeling guilty, down, negative, and exhausted? I have more often than I wished and more recently than I care to admit. When I engage in the negativity (called “getting triangled” according to Friedman’s ideas on the self-differentiated leader), I'm not contributing to a shared pool of understanding described in Crucial Conversations. In fact, without even realizing it, I may be engaging in sabotage, getting stuck and increasing my level of anxiety.
I physically feel better when I steer clear of the negativity, focus on my heart and am open to other people's stories. When I am focused on the goal for a relationship and not necessarily on the emotional baggage involved, I can remain level headed, even when the conversation becomes crucial. Knowing that a crucial conversation is defined by opposing opinions, strong emotions and high stakes, a person is then left to ponder all the crucial conversations in their personal history, reflect on the outcome of those conversations, and then commit to better conversations in the future. But how? The wonderful thing about the Crucial Conversations book is that systems and examples are provided across multiple aspects of life. From personal relationships between couples, families, and work, there’s an example for everyone. Let’s look at how the following steps can help us to hold some of the most productive conversations we can have as we diligently contribute to the pool of shared meaning.
So what does this all mean for me? I've been developing an innovation plan regarding blended learning and I’ve summarized a great book (seriously, go buy a copy), but what do I do with it? I’ve already started by being a little more aware of looking for crucial signs in both myself and others. I’ve also stressed about thinking of all the acronyms (STATE, CRIB, AMPP, ABC) in the book and wondered if I’ll truly be able to get to all the pieces in the moment when I know I am losing my cool. If I start with heart, what I want for me, us, and the relationship, then the intent of the conversation can help drive the remaining steps. If I continue to come back to the heart, I’ll be more aware of what crucial moments look like, I’ll be able to own my role in the conversation (which includes any and all miscommunications), I’ll consider that the person I am in dialogue with is, in fact, a decent and rational person, and I’ll seek to understand their perspective. A commitment to continued reflection on my conversation skills will lead to improved future conversations and better relationships at work, at home, and all the places in between. Improved future conversations can then lead to a more successful implementation of my innovation plan.
*If the learning philosophy link in the table won't open easily, right click on the link and open in a new tab, or click here.
References
Bardwell, M. D. (2010, Nov. 10). Friedman's theory of differentiated leadership made simple. [Video File]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/RgdcljNV-Ew
Lundin, S. C., Paul, H., & Christensen, J. (2000). Fish!: A remarkable way to boost morale and improve results. New York: Hyperion.
Patterson, K. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.
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